


June and Dirk try to predict Homestuck 2

by Catty_Cathy



Series: June & Dirk [1]
Category: Homestuck, Homestuck Epilogues
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Discussions of death, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Post-Canon, Roommates, Trans Female John Egbert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26306854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catty_Cathy/pseuds/Catty_Cathy
Summary: Meat June and Candy Dirk are dead, and now share an apartment. So now they'll be discussing their predictions for Homestuck^2 and mainly who is gonna kill Ultimate Dirk.
Relationships: June Egbert & Dirk Strider
Series: June & Dirk [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911406
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	June and Dirk try to predict Homestuck 2

June gets out of the bathroom while drying out her hair. It's usually curly and separated into three tuffs pointing up, but now that it's wet she could notice how it's shoulder length, which is a quite cute look and nice for a change. She hangs the towel up and goes to the living room, where Dirk has been for some time changing channels on the fourth wall they installed to use as a TV. Each channel shows a different timeline on Earth C, the planet that used to be their homes before they departed. June has felt somewhat freed ever since she arrived, but Dirk has been closely watching many developments on his and other timelines.  
June sits on the couch with Dirk, drops her slippers on the floor and gets comfortable while Dirk watches the Fourth wall as he eats a strawberry yogurt one spoon at a time from the brief pauses from focusing on the monitor.  
He hasn't shaken until June's return to their living room, she's about to open her mouth when Dirk goes to it first.  


DIRK: So who do you think is gonna kill me?  
JUNE: what  


Dirk catches the remote control and decreases the volume, June rests her arm on the couch's and gets ready for whatever dramatic speech Dirk feels compelled to unleash this time.  


DIRK: Ultimate me, from your timeline. Who do you think is gonna kill him? I mean me?  
JUNE: uh  
JUNE: im not really sure?  
JUNE: to be honest i'm kinda surprised that that's your first assumption  
JUNE: that hes even gonna be killed at all  
DIRK: Is that so?  
JUNE: i mean, i doubt were gonna get wild in here, killing that guy seems like the obvious thing to do  
JUNE: but even then i don't feel like there's much there?  
JUNE: like i don't feel that invested in punching you in the face or anything  
DIRK: That's..Hm..  
JUNE: yeah i know  
JUNE: i'm kinda surprised too i mean, that version of you killed me and all but like  
JUNE: just being here, wherever here even is anymore, has sorta helped me with stuff?  
JUNE: i guess now that i don't even have a story to worry about, i just sorta have been feeling lighter?  
JUNE: so uh, yeah, i wouldn't worry about it too much  
DIRK: Heh, yeah I get that.  
DIRK: "Lighter" is a really good way to put it.  
DIRK: I don't feel like I need to put on an act anymore.  
DIRK: But also I've never felt this meaningless.  
DIRK: Like hey that Ult Me guy has done some bad things, but I would say he has a point you know.  
JUNE: yeah i know you'd say that  
JUNE: you've been talking about this "meaningless" thing ever since i arrived  
JUNE: and now you're just sorta watching the timelines while playing bingo to your predictions on the story  
DIRK: I called Dave and Aradia being friends by the way.  
DIRK: AND also how the fourth Candy kid's color is red.  
JUNE: you sure did predict those super important plot details  
JUNE: so proud of you  
DIRK: I'll take the compliment. It is pretty impressive of me.  
JUNE: now we know where rose's seer gene came from  
JUNE: really though, it's fun just watching things on earth c but i don't really think we need to?  
JUNE: like things are gonna happen regardless, not like we're doing much by just sitting here and guessing shit  
DIRK: I revoke my right to spend time on dumb shit like watching what the Mayor was up to on his final years.  
DIRK: Because that's just something we can do now, sit back and watch shit happen.  
JUNE: hahah, yeah  
JUNE: man i miss the mayor  
JUNE: and the salamanders  
JUNE: i dun no what it is about these mascot characters, i love them so much  
DIRK: Yeah.  


They just sort of turn their eyes back at the TV, that's still inaudible from this conversation that didn't seem to go to the direction Dirk wanted it to. June looks in amusement as the Mayor flails around the screen going on on his political duties until Dirk breaks the silence again.  


DIRK: Really though, let's be honest here.  
JUNE: oh sure  
DIRK: Ultimate Dirk? Dead.  
DIRK: He's so dead.  
DIRK: In like a few months he's gonna be here, on this apartment, on this couch right between us.  
DIRK: Because he's got a death sentence written on his forehead already.  
JUNE: of course  
JUNE: you're really into that idea huh?  
DIRK: Of him being dead or of him being here?  
DIRK: Because I'm not even sure if he'd end up *here* here.  
JUNE: no no, the first thing. of him being dead  
JUNE: i personally am not looking forward to that  
JUNE: like how awkward would that be, he kills me expecting and then he's stuck with us  
DIRK: God that'd be great honestly.  
DIRK: Like think of the possibilities. The three of us in an apartment, living life, getting in and out of trouble and learning after-life lessons.  
JUNE: oh my god dirk i can barely live with one of you  
DIRK: Heh, live.  
JUNE: point is i really dont want that  
JUNE: like, don't we get allocated in here based on which point of canon we died in?  
JUNE: like how vriska and terezi  
JUNE: oh sorry, how (vriska) and game-over terezi are on the apartment next door.  
JUNE: maybe ult dirk would be on like  
JUNE: the same apartment as candy time line jane. assuming she'll die  
DIRK: Okay now we have two major character deaths to consider here.  
DIRK: But I still think that the one we should be talking about is Ult!Dirk's.  
JUNE: pfft can you say that again?  
DIRK: Ult!Dirk.  
JUNE: oh my god you pronounce the explanation point  
DIRK: June.  
DIRK: You're doing your best to dodge my sincere discussion of one of my splinter's mortality and I don't appreciate that.  
JUNE: dirk  
JUNE: why do you care  
DIRK: Because like, what else would I care about?  
DIRK: We're dead, and on a weird purgatory that is also an apartment complex for some reason, and all that we have going on on our post-lives right now is whatever is happening on Earth C that we can watch on this fourth wall.  
DIRK: That is literally the biggest thing going on right now.  
JUNE: that's straight up not true  
JUNE: like what about (vriska)'s potluck this weekend?  
JUNE: that's important too, even if it's not on earth c or on dubiously canon  
JUNE: like i don't want to show up with a shitty frozen lasagna. that's not what good neighbors do!  
DIRK: Okay yeah, we definitely need to do something about that.  
JUNE: it's still pretty early, we could go to the market today still and buy some, i dun no veggies? some uh....  
JUNE: some sandwich ingredients?  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: Holy shit you changed the subject again.  
JUNE: well damn  
JUNE: you've got me cornered, if you don't stop trying to talk about serious shit i might actually do that  
DIRK: I am going to stab you.  
JUNE: yeah right  


They lay down for a sec. They haven't even been paying attention to the TV now. Which is a shame since they must be loosing precious plot critical events from Earth C. After laying in silence as if trying to get their energy back they feel ready to get back to their meaningless ramblings. Dirk has finished his yogurt.  


JUNE: okay  
JUNE: so you think ultimate you is gonna die  
DIRK: He totally will.  
JUNE: and you wanna predict *who* exactly because you wanna be the one to have called it  
DIRK: You can read me like a traffic sign June.  
JUNE: don't mention it, your pretentious scthick gets easier to understand by the day  
JUNE: and i feel like you already have some theories on who's it gonna be?  
DIRK: Finally, lemme grab my notebook.  


Dirk does so and it appears on his lap. He opens up a google doc on his browser and tilts it so June can take a look at his notes.  


JUNE: wow that's uh  
DIRK: Yeah. Impressive right.  
JUNE: i am so glad we have spend enough time together that i'm not even surprised anymore  
JUNE: did i say that today? because i find more reasons to say how content i am at everything that's happening every day  
DIRK: Cool you can text me when you stop being high off your judgmental attitude and is ready for some serious meta analysis with yours truly.  
JUNE: you should start now anyways because that may take a while  
DIRK: Right, so here's the thing.  


=>EXPOSITION: ACTUALLY START  


DIRK: So, my biggest theory is Davebot. That seems like the safest option really.  
DIRK: Dave conquers his grief over his version of Dirk, that's me, and takes down another version of him that represents everything that went wrong with yet another splinter, Bro Strider.  
DIRK: So you know, the Knight takes down the prince and it's great.  
DIRK: A nice clean ending for Dave's character arc. Because as we know, he is the one character the narrative won't fuck over, or make grossly ooc or whatever.  
JUNE: wait he is?  
JUNE: i mean, i get that he's one of the most unambiguously good guys at this point, him and karkat i guess  
JUNE: but aren't you assuming too much of his character? there are many others with higher stakes than him  
DIRK: Yes that is a valid point.  
DIRK: But Dave's place as the narrative's dearest baby as well as author self-insert to a level, AND audience subordinate all put him on a special place in relation to other narrative markstones.  
DIRK: His relationship with Ult!Dirk is not only between brothers, it's also one between a Narrative device and an Antagonist.  
DIRK: Think how you were used as a narrative device once you gained retcon powers, and how Caliborn served as the antagonist the narrative needed to take down.  
DIRK: That's what's happening here. Dirk has been reduced to his villainous role, and Dave as his heroic one.  
DIRK: Which as you know-  
JUNE: woah okay i get that  
JUNE: so it makes sense that dave would be the one because he's this super cool hero guy whose dick we all would like to suck  
DIRK: It's mostly the narrative that loves doing that.  
JUNE: yeah i guess. but still  
JUNE: it's not like it'll be this cathartic thing for him because he's just killing a version of dirk he has nothing to do with  
JUNE: he's not really taking anything back, because that dirk hasn't really done anything to him  
JUNE: don't you think it would make more sense for like, rose or kanaya to do that?  
JUNE: like, people from his timeline he actually has a story with?  
DIRK: Great point miss Egbert, this takes us to the next candidates.  
DIRK: Because regardless of how shit will go down, the story wants to play by whatever route will fulfill it's porpoise.  
DIRK: But Ult!Dirk has two main characteristics that are sort of emblematic to post-canon as a whole.  
DIRK: He's one:  
DIRK: A character in a story who has done bad things to multiple other characters.  
DIRK: And two: A stand-in for a corrupt writer.  
DIRK: If you see him as a character in relation to other characters he has a history with.  
DIRK: It makes sense that his killer would be Meat Dave, Kanaya, Rose, Terezi, Roxy and Jake.  
DIRK: People he's hurt or damaged.  
DIRK: But as a stand-in for this story writer on the other hand.  
DIRK: We have characters who have been treated like shit by the story.  
DIRK: Like for example Jade, and Calliope or most terrifying of all.  
DIRK: Yiffy.  
JUNE: woah uh  
JUNE: i forgot that was her name, that really threw me for a loop  
DIRK: Oh get over it.  
JUNE: right, so  
JUNE: Ultimate you can be seen as a person, but also as like...  
JUNE: a metaphor?  
DIRK: Something like that.  
JUNE: and whoever gets to him will like, be reclaiming something from the story  
JUNE: so jade who's been pushed to the side and thrown around for years, by defeating him, it would be a big deal.  
DIRK: Precisely.  
DIRK: Because her connection with Dirk isn't as important as her relationship with the narrative.  
DIRK: That's why Yiffy would also make sense here. Because in the story she has a special position.  
DIRK: She is this mysterious figure that was introduced in a seemingly out of nowhere situation  
DIRK: She came from a non-canonical pairing, on the non-canonical hell that is the Candy timeline, and basically embodies the chaotic nature of Candy.  
DIRK: She's obviously someone to look out for, and Ult!Dirk knows this.  
DIRK: Ya get me?  
JUNE: sure  
JUNE: hm wow  
JUNE: i mean, good for her i suppose  
JUNE: we haven't even seen much of the kid, but she seems to be going through a lot  
JUNE: so good for her  
DIRK: You seem kinda worried?  
JUNE: well uh  
JUNE: i guess? a little bit  
JUNE: i don't really know what to expect is all  
JUNE: and uh  
JUNE: can i get real for a second?  
DIRK: You know you always can get real with Dirk Strider  
JUNE: that's a weird sentence but okay  


=>JUNE: GET REAL  


JUNE: i don't want to be involved on shit that's going down on either timeline  
JUNE: after everything that i had to go through on meat, and after everything you *forced* me to watch on candy  
DIRK: You agreed to watch it with me   
JUNE: i didn't expect any of that!  
JUNE: and it keeps snowballing into worse crap for everyone  
JUNE: and it's just  
JUNE: i am so done with everything  
JUNE: all this weird soap opera stuff, all this political intrigue and robots and god knows what else  
JUNE: can you imagine what it feels like to watch an alternative version of yourse-  
DIRK: Yes I can imagine that   
JUNE: oh shut it  
JUNE: i was gonna say that it's really weird to just look at my neglected son from another time line  
JUNE: do i need to explain why  
DIRK: Hm yeah point made.  
DIRK: I mean, there really is an equivalent of that for me I don't think.  
DIRK: That would be kinda funny though.  
JUNE: hah, right  
JUNE: how would that even work? would it be yours and jake's kid?  
DIRK: God I don't even wanna theorize.  
DIRK: Like I don't trust myself with kids, but I kinda imagine *some* version of myself wanting to raise one in a lab  
DIRK: Giving them all my knowledge on shit, trying to make it a better version of me.  
DIRK: Then it'd just be like some fucked up Powerpuff Girls reboot where I try to make the perfect little me.  
DIRK: Like what's that song? Snails and scissors?  
JUNE: snips and snails and puppy tails  
JUNE: that's what boys are made out of  
JUNE: hah, i think my dad has sung that to me. at least once  
DIRK: We should grab the Alchemiter, see if that kid's song is factual.  
JUNE: might as well be at this point  
JUNE: since children is all that the candy timeline seems to make  
DIRK: God, I can't even with that.  
DIRK: Kinda funny how I'm not there anymore. Like if the whole plot is about having children they just needed to kick the gay guy out.  
DIRK: I feel like if I hadn't left I would also be like, forced in a marriage with Roxy or someone.  
JUNE: that sounds harsh  
DIRK: The Epilogues are harsh.  
DIRK: This, this that we have right here? It's not harsh.  
DIRK: And even though it's the most meaningless shit. I feel good just taking a break.  
DIRK: And yeah I say "break" because it's obvious either of us is gonna come back to being alive.  
JUNE: ...  
JUNE: ...yeah that's what i'm scared of really  
JUNE: i don't think coming back to that would even be worth it  
JUNE: and i mean, we have been on this weird ghost-but-not-really purgatory for so long  
JUNE: has it been a year already?  
DIRK: I don't really know.  
DIRK: Also I was by my own here for a while too, so it's confusing.  
DIRK: I feel like we only need to worry about time in relation to events in here.  
JUNE: Like this weekend's potluck with (Vriska) and her wife?  
DIRK: Bingo.  
DIRK: That seems like something you'd like doing.  
DIRK: At least more so than any post-canonical shit.  
JUNE: yeah  
JUNE: it's not even a lot but it feels nice  
JUNE: to worry about what to get from the super market instead of all that plot shit  
JUNE: at least for now  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: It does feel kinda nice.  


=> EPILOGUES  


JUNE: so do you feel at all more sure of who's gonna kill ultimate you?  
DIRK: Not even a little.  
JUNE: heh yeah, i think i'm actually more curious about that now  
DIRK: Eh I feel pretty over it.  
JUNE: nah c'mon, let's just round this up or something  
JUNE: let's go down the list, i say a character and you say a reason  
JUNE: first there's me  
DIRK: Protagonist that was killed by the villain, may take her place in the narrative by coming back somehow. Maybe through a prototype.  
JUNE: rose  
DIRK: Lied to and manipulated by Dirk. May revolt and take his throne.  
JUNE: dave  
DIRK: My splinter's first and longest victim. Candy lost his already, and Meat can take him back. Either of them would have a hell of a time defeating that asshole.  
JUNE: jade  
DIRK: Pushed to the side and subjected to romantic triangles and dog dick jokes. Ult would be used as a stand-in for the narrative and she'd be back on the spotlight.  
JUNE: right now you name your friends.  
DIRK: Oh uh  
DIRK: Jane.  
JUNE: maybe that would be her redemption on meat. killing the other assigned bad guy  
DIRK: Roxy?  
JUNE: well you were a huge dick with him for no reason  
JUNE: like, i thought you were trans? what was that about  
DIRK: I don't know?  
DIRK: God I don't even know who that guy is anymore.  
JUNE: .....  
JUNE: moving on  
JUNE: what about terezi? she's more or less on the same level as rose, and she lost me as well  
DIRK: I think you skip-  
DIRK:   
DIRK: Yeah I think Terezi would be a good candidate.  
DIRK: She already knows what's up, she's probably keeping it low till she can actually do something about me or Rose.  
DIRK: There's also Karkat.  
DIRK: I doubt he'll do much of anything though.  
DIRK: Maybe he'll give a speech, or be someone's emotional support hot piece of ass.  
DIRK: You know like he always does.  
JUNE: mhm, totally get that  
DIRK: Calliope's whole deal is also kicking my ass.  
DIRK: But there's so much else going on? It's kinda hard to see it being her.  
JUNE: well we do have like five calliopes to go around  
JUNE: so who knows just what will happen, they could gang up on you  
DIRK: God I'd be terrified.  
DIRK: Those pupil-less skulls.  
DIRK: Speaking of which, isn't it weird we have pupils despite being dead?  
DIRK: Something that was very apparent from the very beginning on this very visual piece of media we are in right now?  
JUNE: eh i don't even mind  
JUNE: the pupil-less look didn't really attract me  
JUNE: plus i don't think this is like the dream bubbles  
JUNE: for one we're on a very stable apartment on a very stable purgatory-ghost-city  
DIRK: Yeah, this probably doesn't work by any canon shit's rules.  
DIRK: So much so that we manage to be roommates.  
JUNE: i know right  
JUNE: i feel like everything here is so  
JUNE: like a more mundane version of our lives  
JUNE: with plenty of ghost friends to go around too  
DIRK: Okay okay, we're getting way the hell sidetracked.  
DIRK: Like we haven't talked about how Kanaya would probably saw me to bits for kidnapping her wife.  
JUNE: oh my god yeah  
JUNE: and she's harder to kill than most people right? Because she's already sorta dead  
DIRK: And then she'd make out with Rose as my blood pours out.  
JUNE: that's gross, but very *rose* and very *you* too  
DIRK: Runs in the family.  
DIRK: Being romantic as shit and super into scenic kissing moments.  
JUNE: oh yeah. but i think we went around all the main characters?  
JUNE: like i don't think ult would be killed by like  
JUNE: sollux  
DIRK: Hm, but Aradia though.  
DIRK: They got a lot going on there, an absolute powerhouse of a time player.  
JUNE: Pfft, they'd just fly in the middle of the battle and just whip your ass out  
DIRK: They'd fly in kicking me in the face.  
JUNE: thatd be so sick actually  
JUNE: oh you know another option? jane's dad  
DIRK: Oh fuck, his dad bod would wreck my shit.  
JUNE: woah never mind you sound too excited about that  
DIRK: What no.  
DIRK: I didn't mean it like that.  


June and Dirk just kept bantering on the possible killer's identity. Then the sun went out and they moved on to their things. It's a funny thing living on that apartment on this weird purgatory space that exists outside of canon's norms. The day goes in and out. They eat, drink, sleep. They talk, they shop, they just live their after-lives with no cosmic danger. Go figure. As meaningless as this all is. And as little as I personally care. They will sink into their small existences frozen outside of canon as they'd like. Nothing will phase them. But as long as they pay rent, I won't mind.  



End file.
